Control

I have a case of the mean reds. You'll have to watch the movie "Breakfast at Tiffany's" to get the explaination, or I guess it would be in the book. Anyway that's where I am. It's not fatal, but lots of things are feeling out of my control - work, finances, life.

Everything feels unsettled, which leads me to pull more inward. I'm quite happy to let the world spin by right now. I guess happy is not the right word. It's just that, since I feel like I have no control over anything right now, I figure why not just stop trying to control it. But then that voice in my head starts saying that I'm slacking. I should be doing, and that I'm never doing enough.

See most people don't realize that about me. I'm not a control freak, unless you're talking about me. I'm more than happy to tell someone else to take it easy. "Look at what you have done and been doing. You deserve a break." But if I start thinking that way for myself, it's "Uh-uh, no way. You're just being lazy. "Get going." "Look at what everybody else is able to accomplish." Blah, blah, blah, blah.

I must admit that I have gotten much better at telling that voice, which I call the critic, to shut up. Because in reality I know what I've accomplished.

It's just when I'm feeling tired and like I've made no progress that the critic wins out. It's one of those tricky balances. The more you try to not listen the louder it actually gets. Some days I have to just shrug my shoulders and know that it's wrong. On my best days it's not even there anymore.

I think it's good that I have a race coming up. I know that part of the reason why I'm feeling the way I am, is pre-race nerves. I'm no where near the top of my age group, but I still want to do better. My brain starts spinning with numbers, hopes, dreams, and dreads.

But come race day, there is nothing left to do. I have to let go. There is no cramming for race day, so that work that has been done, is done. For better or worse, the race will be what the race will be. And for a few hours I work without trying to control. I talk myself through the pain, and take in the joys. Basically, all I'm able to do is get in the water and swim as well as I can. Then get to and on my bike and bike as well as I can. Finally, get off my bike and run as best as I can. That sounds like I've got that part all sorted out, but it's a work in progress. I still can't wait to get the times and compare myself to what everyone else did or how I did in the last race.

I'm learning: 1) to allow myself, without guilt, the rest needed before and after an event, 2) to revel in the accomplishment of what I have completed, and 3) to accept the compliments given to me from those around me. With the exception of #1, it all applies to my life in general.

I know that I stick with doing triathlons, not because I'm gonna win the race, but because it always teaches me something new. It has given me the structure with which I can grow as a person. It has shown me that major change takes time and therefore faith and patience. It doesn't matter if you are trying to take seconds off of your run time or just trying to see yourself for what or who you truly are. It all takes time and practice and sometimes grit.

Maybe one day I'll actually place in one of these races. Maybe I'll actually push to see how far I my body and mind can actually go and do a full Ironman race. But for now I'll work on taking the lessons learned to heart. And truly consider the kind words and compliments as my prize.