Double Snake Swim

I love to swim. I think I came out of the womb swimming. I started very early. Little floatation things on my arms. I read a book when I was a bit older called "Waterbabies", and I wanted to be one. They had gills and lived under the water. The only problem was that they had to die to become a waterbaby. Didn't like that idea so much.

My parents divorced when I was little, and my Dad moved to Bermuda - work took him there. We, my brothers and I, spent 3 summers there. We were in the water all the time. There was a pool we could use where my dad and stepmom lived. First summer was waterwings because I was 2 1/2.

We also spent plenty of time at the beach. My stepmom taught me how to jump waves - most of that was in her arms. Next summer, I think I was doggy paddling unaided, but supervised. I think I learned to dive that summer. But what I do remember vividly was that my brothers got to go to swim school, and I wasn't allowed to go because i was too young. I sobbed, that is until our babysitter diverted my attention by teaching me how to tie a bow.

The final summer definitely diving - running dives, not your stand on the side and fall off kind of dive. And, yes, I got to go to swim school out in open water. No floaty things for me, no thank you. I was grown up and able to swim on my own. I was awarded the Outstanding Merit Award in my age group, which made my brothers mad.

This part will feel like it comes from left field, but it'll tie together I promise. I have panic attacks. I was diagnosed with them at the start of my sophmore year at college. I'm now 33. I have learned to work through them, and full blown panic attacks are few and far between. I mainly have anxiety attacks, now. There are a few triggers and I pretty much thought I had figured out how to head most of them off at the pass. Sure in high stress situations there's not much I can do but keep breathing until it passes.

So imagine my surprise when one night swimming with the team, I have a mild anxiety attack in the pool. It was crazy and very disconcerting. It had never happened before. As I have said I love to swim. We had been traing for weeks at that point. During it, I remembered being in the pool at the Y our fist summer in NYC - my dad moved there after Bermuda. I was 5 1/2.

A bunch of us were playing - dunking and splashing one another. When suddenly I got pushed under. Not a problem I loved being underwater. The problem was that I was trapped under a throng of flailing feet. I couldn't get out. I was running out of breath. Surely, someone was going to find me.

I found a way out by swimming deeper and away from everyone. I came up sputtering, and gasping for air. when I got to the side I realized no one had noticed. Eddie, our babysitter, pulled me out and asked what happened. He reassured me. I never thought of it again. Until that swim night about a year ago.

We were doing a double snake swim, I think timed. The idea was that everyone started in lane one. You go down lane one up lane two, down three up four, and so on to lane eight. Then you do the reverse - down 7 up 6, down 5 up 4, etc. The idea is to create a continuous swim, and there are people always around you. I had gotten trapped with peolpe in front of me, beside me and behind me.

It is a normal part of swimming in a triathlon. There are waves of people, and your bound to pass and be passed. It is sometimes a full contact sport until the group spreads out. The worst part is the beginning. I have yet to find a way to get past this anxiety.

Tonight we had a double snake swim, and even thought my time was a little faster than when we had done the same swim in Dec, all I wanted to do was cry. As a matter of fact that what I did when I got home. It is so incredibly frustrating to rationally know that nothing bad is going to happen to me, but still I feel like I'm gonna die.

Patience, patience, patience.